by Claire Deep Swallow III

In a kingdom where every news story is vintage, obscure, and drenched in irony, we bring you the latest from the land of the King of the Hipsters. Strap on your oversized glasses, dust off your typewriters, and get ready for a journey through headlines that are so retro, they're ahead of their time.

East Palestine, Ohio Train Derailment: A train derails in East Palestine, Ohio, and the locals are left wondering if it's a metaphor for their indie music scene, which has been off track for years. The town eagerly awaits Biden's indie rock concert, featuring bands you've never heard of, to bring some much-needed musical salvation.

Legislation and Politics: Ohio's Republican governor vetoes a transgender sports restriction, but not without making a statement. He believes that banjos should be the official state instrument, sparking a banjo-playing revival across the state. Meanwhile, Watergate lawyer John Dean is convinced that "Trump's in trouble" after a Maine ruling. He's now considering a career as a jazz flutist, blending politics with smooth melodies.

Technology and Privacy: Google agrees to settle a $5 billion lawsuit over 'incognito' mode, but they're not settling for cash. Instead, they plan to launch a limited-edition vinyl record made entirely of search queries. It's the ultimate soundtrack for your obscure life.

Health and Medicine: U.S. drug prices are set to jump in January, leading many to explore alternative healing methods. California takes a bold step by offering health insurance to all undocumented immigrants, complete with meditation retreats and gluten-free yoga sessions. Because who needs conventional medicine when you can have artisanal wellness?

Environmental Concerns: Snow shortages plague the West's mountains, causing heartburn for the mustachioed skier who only shreds on vintage wooden skis. It's a crisis of hipster proportions, with hot cocoa sales skyrocketing.

In specific U.S. news, the Tesla Cybertruck's first public road crash becomes an underground art installation in Williamsburg. Viewers must decipher the hidden message by counting the number of exposed wires. Meanwhile, a Florida woman smashes a man's taillight over a 'sexual favors' payment refusal, sparking a heated debate on the ethics of bartering intimacy for organic kale.

In the world of entertainment, Danny Masterson is sent to state prison for rape convictions. His plans? To start a prison-based ukulele orchestra, bringing a touch of whimsy to even the darkest corners.

But the highlight of the kingdom's news today is the story of a Security Guard Police Impersonator trying to pull over a Police Captain in New Mexico. Was it a performance art piece or just a really, really lost hipster? The confusion is so thick; you can cut it with an oversized vintage scissors.

In business and economy, we dive into the ramifications of the new California $20-an-hour minimum wage. Will it affect the price of artisanal avocado toast, or are avocados too mainstream now? Amazon faces backlash over changes to its Prime service, as hipsters return to shopping at independent bookstores with real paper and ink.

And in a revolutionary move, the first electric vehicle with a lithium-free sodium battery hits the road. It sparks a debate on whether it's more ethical to use reclaimed typewriter keys for energy.

In world news, Hamas uses sexual violence against Israeli women and girls, prompting underground feminist artists to create powerful avant-garde installations. China's $10 trillion hidden debt becomes a financial labyrinth that only the most obscure financial analysts dare to navigate. And North Korea's military escalation? Is it preparing for a dystopian-themed interactive performance art piece, or is it just another missile launch?

And finally, a flaming Russian missile crashes into a Kyiv apartment, igniting spontaneous interpretive dance performances in the streets. It's a fiery display of artistic expression that transcends borders.

As for South Africa, it files a genocide case against Israel at the World Court, pondering the profound artistic implications of legal proceedings on the global stage. Is this a legal drama or a performance art piece? Only time will tell.

In the miscellaneous section, we present "Wrong number texts and responses from 2023," a curated collection of accidental existential poetry from the digital realm. And Pizza Hut lays off 1,200 drivers in response to California's new minimum wage, sparking a renaissance in the art of bicycle delivery.

That's all for today's edition of Kingdom News, where the news is so retro, it's ahead of its time. Stay ironic, stay obscure, and remember, it's not news unless it's vintage.